Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Embracing Failure...

Yes, I am aware that my post title is very dramatic...but have we just met? I'm kind of dramatic...and while I am feeling slightly less dramatic today than I was yesterday I still have some things I need to get off my chest. So sit back, relax, and prepare yourself for the drama...and try not to judge me too harshly ;)

I've really been leaning on my "Word" these last 24 hours and trying with all my might to embrace this feeling of failure I feeling...and I am trying to embrace the uncertainties that come along with it as gracefully as possible.

You see...on Monday I had a doctor's appointment and took my 1 hour glucose test. 

It wasn't nearly as bad as everyone made it out to be...the drink was kind of tasty, I didn't feel sick, the blood draw was a piece of cake (minus the gnarly bruise it left on my inner arm) and I was certain I passed with flying colors...

Well, spoiler alert...I didn't. I failed...The nurse called me yesterday and left a message saying that she "needed to chat about my results" I immediately knew it was bad news and my mind went into worst case scenario mode. 

When I called back she confirmed my fears...I had failed my glucose test and would need to come in for the 3 hour test as soon as possible. I quickly scheduled that with her, hung up the phone, and burst into tears. 

How did this happen...I eat (mostly) right, I exercise 4-5 days a week, I have only gained 13 pounds thus far, and I don't drink soda or sugary drinks...sure I indulge in ice cream and the occasional Tootsie Roll (or 3)...but nothing to excess...

But I failed.

I failed myself, my baby, and I must have done something wrong to cause this...

And this is where the drama comes in...because the truth of the matter is...it's nothing I did or didn't do...and here is the biggest kicker...just because I failed this test doesn't mean that I have gestational diabetes...statistically it's very likely that I will pass the 3 hour test and find out that I do not in fact have GD, but in that moment, on the phone with the nurse, the feeling of failure was so huge. 

After the initial shock wore off I took some time to reflect and embrace this uncertainty without the added drama-or at least a little less of it ;) 

Chances are I will pass the 3 hour test...yes, I will have to sit at the doctor's office for 3+ hours tomorrow after fasting for 12 hours, and it won't be enjoyable...but I will get 3 uninterrupted hours with my book...so I guess that's a silver lining right? And if I get good news, then this little blip will be something I look back on and laugh...I mean you should have seen the waterworks yesterday...I would like to blame it on pregnancy hormones...but I am generally pretty dramatic ;) 

And what if I don't pass...well, then...it's not the end of the world. It's a minor and VERY manageable diagnoses...and if baby is healthy otherwise I will embrace it and do what I need to do to manage it for the next 11 weeks. This is only temporary and not the end of the world (you think if I keep saying this I will eventually believe it?)

For now, I am going to choose to be positive and embrace the failure of the first test and the uncertainties that come with it. I will embrace the feeling of not being in control of this situation...I will give myself grace and stop blaming myself for something that is completely out of my control. I will embrace this lack of control and (try) to roll with the punches.

All I know for certain is that I will hold off on embracing those nightly bowls of ice cream until I get the results :)

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